Dad Doesn’t Want to Move, But I Can’t Keep Up

Category: Living Situation

Caregiving for your elderly loved one long distance was fine until it wasn’t. Maybe Dad lives five miles away or 5,000, but you managed. It wasn’t always easy or convenient. Sometimes you felt guilty for not doing more. Maybe you had help, but that help is no longer available. Or maybe your responsibilities at home have increased, and you’re no longer as available to go to Dad as you once were.

Or maybe Dad’s care needs are increasing, and caring from afar is no longer sustainable. You’ve asked Dad to move in with you. You’ve even offered to give him the primary bedroom so he has a lovely space of his own.

You’re exhausted. Mentally, emotionally, and physically. You’re cup isn’t half full—it’s down to the last few drops.

But Dad refuses to leave his home. It’s HIS home. It’s where his best memories are. It might be where he lived with his bride, who is no longer here. It’s where he raised you and your siblings.

It’s where he feels comfortable. Safe. Secure. Even when you know he’s not.

Even though Dad has happily vacationed at your home many times, it’s your home. Not his. Visiting for a week or a month is not the same as moving in permanently.

If only you could find more help or figure out a way to get Dad to move in while he still has a choice. Because you know—and he likely does as well—that the day will come when where he lives will not be a matter of choice but necessity.

You want him to come while it’s still his choice; Dad wants to stay until he has no choice.

Even though you have other family members who could help, you feel like you’re bearing the burden alone. Sometimes, other loved ones misinterpret your willingness to help as meaning that it’s easy for you to do so. They don’t realize how hard it is. Maybe you’ve never told them you can’t do it all alone while resenting them because they should be able to tell. And sometimes, other family members don’t help because they can’t for one reason or another.

If Dad refuses to move, there are resources available to help you both find peace of mind. Options where Dad gets to remain where he is, but you can release the worry and financial burden of doing it all alone.

Options for in-home care, retrofitting the home, or planning for transition.

Siblings or Other Relatives

I mentioned above that you might be frustrated over the lack of support from other family members. But your best solution might begin with a conversation.

Even if all the work has been left up to you—on purpose or inadvertently—have a conversation with siblings or other relatives who may be able to help. Be honest about your needs and concerns. If you’ve been the sole caretaker, the rest of your family may not be aware of changes in your loved one’s situation.

If Dad needs more care than you have time to provide, ask your family if a rotating schedule is a possibility. Maybe daily if Dad lives nearby, or by taking turns traveling to Dad’s home and staying for an extended period once or twice a year.

If the expense of traveling back and forth is your primary concern and your siblings aren’t able to make the trip, ask if they’d be willing to help with your travel expenses. Caring for a parent should be a shared responsibility among the entire family. Have an honest conversation and let them know that you understand that traveling isn’t possible for them, but you can’t afford the cost. Let them know you’re willing and able to continue traveling, but it’s becoming expensive, and you’ll be grateful for any financial assistance they can provide.

If time off work is a concern, check with your boss about working from Dad’s house once a month or however often you need to travel. Many places of employment are willing to accommodate employees' family needs. Additionally, consider the Family Medical Leave Act, which requires employers to make certain concessions for family care needs.

If you’re struggling to balance caring for your elderly loved one while also caring for your family, consider asking a nearby relative, neighbor, or friend to help with household tasks, such as taking your kids to school or attending their sporting obligations, freeing you to tend to your loved one. Talk to your spouse and see if you can brainstorm ways to accommodate Dad’s caregiving needs together.

Hire a Local Caregiver

Turning your elderly loved one’s care over to a stranger is not an easy thing to do, and there are many different emotions involved, for you and your loved one.

But it is a GOOD option. You are not a machine and, despite what we like to believe, we can’t do it all. Something has to give, and it will, somewhere, some way, whether we like it or not.

Check into local in-home caregiving agencies. Most offer a wide range of services, from simple check-in to medication management and higher levels of care.

Don’t assume it’s too expensive. There are programs to help with expenses for veterans. Check into Medicaid, Medicare, and state programs. Some employers offer caregiving assistance programs as part of their benefits package.

Not all agencies are priced the same. Just because an agency costs more doesn’t mean it’s better, and just because it costs less doesn’t mean it’s not any good. Read reviews. Ask questions. If possible, have another family member help you make the decision, and include your elderly loved one. It’s essential that they feel comfortable with their caregiver.

Once you’ve hired a caregiver, don’t be afraid to say, “This person isn’t working out.” When it comes to your family, you have the right to ensure that your loved one is being cared for by the person who is best suited for them.

If an agency isn’t an option (i.e., due to expense or location), consider checking with local churches, veterans organizations, and non-profit organizations serving the elderly community. Many offer caregiving services, although only for non-medical needs. They can help with light housekeeping, meal preparation, transportation, and companionship.

Transportation & Meal Assistance

You may also consider services such as meal delivery or transportation providers. If the only reason Dad can’t stay in his own home is because he can (or won’t) no longer cook for himself or because he no longer drives, there are solutions.

Organizations like Meals on Wheels or a delivery service like Home Chef can provide Dad with healthy, prepared, or easy-to-prepare meals.

Many insurance plans cover transportation to appointments, including those with doctors, dentists, and physical therapists. Senior and veteran organizations can provide transportation for activities such as grocery shopping and attending church.

If your elderly loved one is still mobile, some cities and towns offer discounted or free bus service for seniors. If this is an option, spend a day with your loved one reviewing bus routes to the places they are likely to visit. Ensure your loved one is familiar with the map, bus routes, bus numbers, and payment methods. It might be a good idea to take a few bus rides together.

Not only can these options help care for Dad, but they can also free up your time, giving you a much-needed break and rejuvenation, enabling you to continue caring for him in his own home.

Safety and Security Concerns

Sometimes, your loved one’s ability to live alone isn’t your primary concern. Mom or Dad may be able to pay the bills, keep the house clean, do their laundry, enjoy cooking, drive themselves, and have a strong social community, but you still want them to move.

Why? Because their home is no longer safe.

Neighborhoods change. And the neighborhood that was once a place where people sat on their front porches, shoveled each other’s sidewalks, held block parties, and neighbors counted on each other is no longer that way. Now, there are bars on basement windows, sidewalks are uneven and cracked, sirens wail at all hours, and your loved one has never met their neighbors.

Maybe Dad has fallen a few times. He’s managed to get back up and escape injury so far, but you fear the day is coming when you get a middle-of-the-night phone call. Maybe Dad keeps forgetting to take his medicine, or he’s like my dad, who remembers to take it unless the slightest change in his routine occurs.

Perhaps Dad’s home can no longer accommodate his limited mobility. The bedrooms are upstairs. The laundry room is in the basement. There are no walk-in showers.

Security

If security is your primary concern, invest in a home security system. They’re not all expensive, and some are self-installed in about an hour. There are varying levels of monitoring, ranging from open-door and window alerts to camera monitoring inside and out. An added benefit is that you (with Dad’s permission) can get access to the cameras, giving you peace of mind even from a distance.

Safety

If your safety concern is health-related, check into a home emergency system. This can be done by a third party, such as Life Alert, or through your dad’s cell service. For example, the Apple Watch will sense if your loved one has fallen or suffered a critical medical event and automatically call 911. You can also set up the service to receive notifications in the event of an emergency.

If safety issues are due to mobility, consider installing chairs that carry Dad up and down stairs. You might look into a bathroom remodel and have a walk-in shower installed where a bathtub once was. Or consider a laundry service so Dad no longer has to go down into the basement.

Medication Assistance

If Dad forgets to take his medication, try a medication alert device. You can buy a device that makes a sound and dispenses the correct pills and doses when it’s time for Dad to take his medication. You can also purchase alarm clocks that perform the same function. Some are rather sophisticated, allowing you to set different alarms for different days and times.

Take heart… There are solutions with a bit of creative planning.

It’s not uncommon for us (the caregiver) to see signs before our elderly loved ones see them. Even with our loved ones being aware, it often takes time before they’re willing to admit they need to change some things.

However, that doesn’t mean that you have to run yourself ragged to make sure your elderly loved one can remain in their home. You have options. Options that mean you need to be there less frequently.

And that can make all the difference for both of you.

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