How Do I Know When My Loved One Should No Longer Live Alone?
Five Indicators That It's Time for Dad to Live with You
There comes a time when most people should no longer live alone. This can vary significantly from person to person. Some may never be good at living alone, while others seem fine well into their nineties or beyond.
The most common age range when independent living is no longer the best option is between 70 and 79.
Sometimes, our aging loved ones are unaware they need help or are unwilling to admit that they should no longer live independently. You may need to say, “It’s time to find another living arrangement for you.” And sometimes, they’ll say, “I’m ready.”
It is not uncommon for an aging loved one to become defensive when this topic comes up because they:
think they’re doing fine.
fear losing their independence.
don’t want to be a burden.
are afraid to leave their home, especially when they have lived there a long time or with a spouse or child who has passed away.
We’ll explore each reason (and more) in future articles, but today, we’ll examine five indicators that it’s time for our aging loved one to find alternative living arrangements.
Mobility issues
This can range from difficulty performing necessary tasks to frequent falls to difficulty walking. Sometimes, changes can be made to our loved one's current living situation, such as installing ramps or providing a cane or walker. Options like this may give your loved one a few extra months or years in their home. But be aware that they may not tell you they can no longer bend down to clean the toilet or are falling frequently (or occasionally). My dad lives with me, and I didn’t know he’d been falling until I saw him lying on the floor. Then, he let it slip that it wasn’t the first time. He’d been able to pull himself up without my help, but on this particular day, he fell in an area where there was nothing to hold onto or brace himself on, so he had to call for me. When I heard him yelling, “Tina!” I rushed out of my office to find him in a predicament. I’m not sure how long he would have struggled if I hadn't been in the house.
After my grandma had her second stroke, she became almost immobile. She could walk with a walker for a time, but she couldn’t balance, even for a few seconds, on her own. One day, my uncle (who my grandma lived with) came around a corner to find her walking without her walker and got to her just in time to catch her before she fell. We found out that she only used the walker when someone was looking. She would hold onto furniture or other objects when no one was around. She could have easily fallen because many objects she held on to weren’t secure, like a dining room chair. When she realized she’d been caught, she wanted to prove she didn’t need the walker and stepped away from the sofa she’d braced herself on. Down she nearly went.
Memory Problems or Cognitive Decline
There are many signs that your loved one is experiencing cognitive decline. If you see signs of this nature, it is best to consult a physician and get a proper diagnosis. It might be Alzheimer’s disease, but there are other less devastating reasons for this issue, such as aging or stress.
Signs include:
missing important dates, such as birthdays.
missing appointments or forgetting to schedule them.
forgetting to take medication.
having difficulty with familiar routines.
insomnia.
getting lost in familiar places or on familiar routes.
frequently losing familiar items such as a cell phone, watch, or purse.
inability to carry on a conversation.
frequent outbursts of anger or frustration (a behavior that isn’t normal)
As everyday tasks and routines become increasingly difficult for our aging loved ones, they become frustrated. They can no longer do things they once accomplished without a second thought, leading to confusion, frustration, or anger.
Financial Difficulty
It may be hard to determine financial difficulty if your loved one manages their finances alone. Economies and expenses ebb and flow, and what once may have been an adequate income can suddenly become insufficient. Just because your loved one has been fine in the past doesn’t mean they’re fine now. Here are some signs that may indicate they’re struggling financially:
Unfilled prescriptions: This can happen for several reasons, but one common reason is that patients can’t afford them.
Home deterioration: If you notice needed repairs and maintenance not being managed, it may indicate a lack of funds.
Tattered clothing and shoes or no longer grooming as they once did: If your mother, who got her nails done weekly, or your father, who enjoyed his monthly visits to the barber shop, is no longer enjoying these treats, it may be that it’s become too expensive. Giving up a nail or hair appointment alone may not be a big deal, but if it is part of a larger pattern, such as pulling back on expenses, it could indicate they’re struggling financially.
Past-due notices or disconnections: Knowing where your loved one stands with their bills is helpful. Are they ignoring notifications or making a lot of late or partial payments?
The causes of financial difficulty can vary. But whatever the reason, if your loved one is struggling in this area, they need your help.
Difficulty Performing Daily Tasks
If your loved one struggles with cleaning, cooking, or laundry, this may indicate a need for different living arrangements.
It may appear at first glance that their home is clean. But look closer. Is dust piling up in corners and on surfaces that aren’t touched regularly? Is there grease on the stove or mold around the toilet? Is garbage piling up? Is the floor getting sticky? Are dishes piling up or being put away before being properly washed?
Is your “amazing cook” mom now eating nothing but frozen dinners and cans of soup? Has dad’s diet decreased to nothing but cereal and bologna sandwiches? What’s in their refrigerator and pantry?
Is your loved one wearing the same clothing over and over? Are the sheets being changed on the bed? Are stains appearing on the clothing of someone who would have never worn stained clothing in the past?
Medical Needs Have Changed
Your loved one might be great at managing their daily medication until the doctor makes a change. This happened with my dad. He sat down every Sunday and filled his pill organizer with the necessary pills and vitamins for each day. Then the doctor added a pill. Then he took one away. Then he changed the dose, which changed the shape of a pill. And Dad got confused. That’s when I started filling his pill organizer for him.
He is good about taking his medication each day unless something upsets or interferes with his routine. This can be as significant as an early appointment that makes him feel rushed or the dog barking at a bird outside, distracting him as he’s on his way to take his medicine.
Other changes can include the need for home care. A home health nurse or a physical therapist changes the daily routine. Your loved one may have difficulty remembering instructions and keeping track of appointments, especially when these visits stop and begin again. If you cannot be available during these appointments due to your schedule, it may be time to bring your loved one closer. Not only can you schedule the appointment conveniently, but you can help your loved one with exercises and instructions without having to make back-and-forth trips to their home.
Watch for Patterns
Each one of these indicators can have many causes. While not ideal, one missed medication dose doesn’t necessarily indicate a problem. We all make mistakes now and again. But we must watch our aging loved ones closely because they may not always be honest about their circumstances or realize their quality of life is declining.
When you see patterns or something happening that may put your loved one in danger if they are left alone, it’s probably time to start discussing the next steps.
If you’re unsure whether your loved one’s “symptoms” indicate an inability to live alone, it’s a good idea to make an appointment with their primary care provider and have a conversation about what’s best.
We’ll discuss ways to be involved in your loved one’s medical care in future issues of Dad Lives with Me.